muckdown’s blog

Like some of the compulsions I have. like the little voice in my head that says go get drunk. I caught the bus and went to get two beers and walked to a liquire store and bought a pint of vodka.It seems I tolerate booze pretty good although Iam pretty much in a daze afterwards. Why did I do that I was kicked out becasue she found a cigarette lighter in the bathroom where little kid me forgot to hide it. So goes mature thinking. What else is new I should crack and get ti over with.There has always been something in my marriage to her that has screwed something somewhere .Having to get money to spend where it got out of control and I lost a job because it.All because Iam more afraid of crossing than doing something I shouldn,t have. The money stuff took place 6 yrs ago so no one try to connect to my present life. Iam typing this at the last minute as I have to attend to some duty(at work typing this) The supervisor comes in at 530am so all the free time stops. I had better take my stuff to the car and get ready so see you enjoy your world

Dave

She goes into her bipolar freaking personality change.Puke mouth good lord don,t say anything insulting.As usual my mind reviews my jumbled up escape plan. Ladies and gentlemen Iam getting fucked in the money dept,should I turn to a life of crime. Its the same old stuff.Should there be a plan.Lets consider. I walk around pins and needles,needless to say Iam getting sick of my compulions,escape mechanisms as it were.Who stands to loose the most.Unbelievable I take pity .To top it off she is  not doing anything to take care of her kidney disease. Ohh how many times doI need to go over this. Not blog material

Iam listening to county music the bitch wants me go to work for someone else more benifits .How can anyone be malnipulated like that .Should I be the bastard husband who takes off. Which brings to mind I had better check in with my credit card.

Ridulous get on the net start looking as uneasy as this would be. The other choice survive

or Iam dealing with a psycho .She made me a true believer in really really having the balls to walk out the door.Iam sleeping and she shieks in my ear "David" go turn the fan off,check the stock for me.At that moment I knew,it wouldn,t matter anymore.As scary as that sounds.I try to have mercy ,she with her kidney disease.If God punishes me so be it.She can wallow in her moodiness. I used to worry,oh just leaving what effect will that make.Well I will die a slow death staying here.

D

Here we are again. Do old people blog? Do people Uh pour out there problems here.So far I have made a lot of promises to myself.Iam faced with a big problems. The woman I live with is sick.We both are not facing up to it.A part of kidney disease is the fact that your itch,from accumlated wastes so she in frustration has me scratch her Its all conterproductive. The MATURE adult thing to do is tell her get on with the dialysis. Shess why me

Anyway Iam at work and the biggest prority on my mind is to bottle some green tea and coffee.The upmost fear in my mind is her temper and a lack of understanding about anyting. I haven,t done nothing except visualize a bunch of neat things to change my life.However still sitting here 310am,with no motivation or purpose.

well Iam tired as usual its a vicious circle.She being gone so much I have reached the point where I don,t even enjoy =self pleasure anymore.Iam thinking its a lot of work to leave set up up somewhere and and have her stalking you the rest of your life.Iam to the point I want to to just throw in the towel.I got off at 10 am in the morning and crashed an hour later.Then up at 2pm .which is bad.Iam thinking she is going to come home in a bitchy mood.There is nothing ever peaceful never just a quit conversation.Your always on edge because she holds the power to kick you out. (Ah ha the key)

Then having to fight over getting money from her.

Wouldn,t be so much easier to do it. Its not easy.

I went to HEB the local grocery store ate samples . My stepson gave me 60 dollars,so does that take the edge off having to ask her for money.I need to try harder in selling junk out of the garage.I feel sad because he (stepson has gone along way) he left from her and me and dumped on me in doing so.Anyway 1242 about three hours worth of freedom. I start mutitasking in chores. Work wasn,t so bad.The guy there was asking about the stupid left overs from a dam party and I shouldn,t put them up but let the janitors take them and let them rot. Parties are catered with beer,my associate scarfs it all up and takes it home. I should make a deal with my wife about loosing weight.I loose a pond a week and she will not dump on me  .He described some food I had stashed in a refrigerator.So I agonized about for days.A talking to no doubt ,but No I was reprieved I do not get a talking to about about the food.Shess fucking food.

More later

Went home yesterday,had a drink and a cigarette.Crashed ,my wife called me and said eat the pork.The pork is the worst insult yet besides me letting her suck my life away.The pork is actually pork heads,yes the pigs head.Its got teeth in it. Why do I write about this. Lets just hit bottom and get it over with.So she is not buying any food.Iam held at her mercy with the kick out routine.YEs boys and girls,protest and immediatly your gone.Out the door.I am never prepared.Should I live my life like this.Apparently Iam still here doing it.She goes over to her sons house and gives him a hundred dollars to make up for yanking his two kids out of boweling becasue they were acting like punks.I hope I blog enough that I will get into a blind rage and just do something.

I do realize its harder than one can imagime,I may so fucked up in the head it might happend,(thought I would say that) anyway try to hold heads above water.

D

She says Iam going to kick your blankity blankity ass.Anything to keep the old man in line.I have a fantasy about having a garage sale and making millions. Next on the agenda:We ,me and the wife(she)took the grandkids to the bowling alley,well!!!!!!!! the grandkids weren,t minding and being belligerent almost like there parents put them up to it.The oldest pushed me ,the whole thing turned into a really bad situation I love those two boys. Iam deeply sorry about the bowling alley,screw bowling anyway.

I hate it when we pretend to be happy.in out relationship. How long is this going to on.  I have discovered she will listen on occasion. She is good at name calling"your a pussy" so what I do kick ass and take name's likely response is "well your lucky if I wasn,t a pussy I would have got rid of you along time ago" right. If it wasn,t funny it would be sad,with my child like mind as she leads my down the road to the bowels of hell.

of course I don,t help it. Like uh get on the dam internet and look for a hospital or somewhere that deals in psychological problems(MIND) Agghh whatever.

I know I have to face it but I don't, want to I prefer to live in my state of denial thinking of the next cigarette,or satisfying some urge, I know though I need to come out of my shell or Iam doomed.However I keep saying that.

So end of the shift,I solved a problem with the opening page on the computer,just don,t let me make a mistake like that again

The thing that sticks in my mind,eventually it is going to get worse. I blame it on God.However people die,get sick,are homeless . I don,t think God has anything to do with this. It would be nice. Hes there to help,or comfort. I would think.

However not to dwell on it. Oh well burnt out from thinking about it. Live from Austin Tx, living in the Ghetto Last thoughts.Try try try to do something 

D

caught the bus from downtown,so I was all rude to the guy I relieved "got to get out of here'" . not very professional. It was the # 3.,the last bus of the night..I got off near where I lived and walked over a 1/2 mile to my house and slept in the back yard. I woke up and noticed my wife was still at home.All well and good I suppose. Did some yard work and she invited me back in. We went out and bought some food came back and I took a nap.Of course we just live,no going forward and no going backward.Sad thing is when she is gone it is more a relief than actually missing someone. That is probably or is imature thinking. I was never fully equipped emotionally maby thru my mothers upbringing.Isn,t that strange as a young child your can be shaped by your parents. Cool !

me  too of course,made a nature walk thru the woods throwing caution aside fueled by cigarettes and beer,speaking of which I think I ,ll drink one.The nature walk again I don,t know. There are sickos out there(chat and messenger forums) She (wife ) is sick from kidney disease ,I keep repeating that sorry.She had me return some room dividers back to the store .It deals with hobbies ,you know painting ,fake flowers all kind of art shit.They gave us a gift card for 106 dollars ,So what do you do with 106 dollar gift card in a hobby store worthless.The "P" bastard were renting to is leaving for the day.The P stands a part of the male anatomey (sp) leave this up to your imagination(ref:prick your thumb).Today I have to find a cover to the temp control so the P bastard cannot fuck with the ac control . Umm sounds like he is moving out. More fucking trouble My wife still has a terrible defient attutude which usually cumulates in hitting me in the arm.She is looking terrible needs to except the fact she is getting sick from not taking care of her kidney problems.I know its an awful thing k disease and you have to get hook up to a dialysis machine.

Please NOTE>>>the spell check and editing function here is worthless

I know I would feel like shit if I had to go thru with it and realize I would have to go and do this in order to keep healthy and if I didn,t I would get sick and die .She is withering away because of here defient atitude well the frigging computer is making a whinning noise which means I had better get off more later